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Sarah Poetry #2

Lena Stark | Sarah Poetry #2

If you missed it, here is Sarah Poetry #1

Since publishing the first round of Sarah poetry a couple of weeks ago, I have been feeling a little better. The first month after she died was pretty super crap. Publishing the poetry seems to have been pretty cathartic (probably the St. John’ Wort hasn’t hurt either…).

However, this weekend was rough. Everywhere I looked, it seemed Sarah was looking up at me or talking to me through the mouths and faces of other people. I dreamed of her Friday night and woke up crying Saturday morning. Tough day. Sunday I spent half of church in tears followed by a two hour nap and three hours in the hot tub (don’t bother lecturing me; I didn’t overheat and die).

Poetry arrived in the middle of all that, which is usually what happens when I’m hurting.

5/9/15
You’re there in my dream
Standing far away.
I jump and wave
And run toward you,
But when I arrive
You’re far away again.
Still in sight,
Never near.
Even in dreams
you do not stay.

5/9/15
I’m mad at you
But I shouldn’t
be
I have no cause
I have no right
You wanted to stay
You wanted to live
You wanted to watch
Your children grow and
Your husband gray
But still you left
And this morning
I awoke
mad
But I have no cause
And it doesn’t help
And I wish it would leave
And I hate it

 

There is one more, the first one I wrote (probably the best one, of course), but it isn’t quite right. A verb is wrong. It’s imprecise and won’t say what I want it to say, what I feel inside. I’m beginning to think it might be because there isn’t actually a word that fits the emotion, not in English anyway. Seems like I’ve heard one though, something old, something from when English was young. It’s lurking around, and I can’t find it. Maybe later. Or maybe never.

Anyway, this is all for today. Monday arrived fresh and new, and this week has been much better overall. The poetry helps.

~ Lena